so i did my stint in the hospital and i still don't feel better. i am giving the pills time but i feel like im slipping farther away everytime i take them. i gotta get a grip on my self and i have been realizing that in the past i was the one worth leaving but now i want to be the one worth staying for. i keep getting my nails done just so i c an feel like something about me is pretty. i want to be held and told that im ok that im the way i am. i go in for an interview on tues. then im getting the first half of my chest piece done one wens. im really looking forward to having "never forget yourself" writen on me perminently. ok my rant is over i just needed to get that out. i love you guys and ill post pictures once i get it started.

so i know i haven't writen in a while. i have been fairly busy with school and everything else. school is going pretty god but im realoly stressed out right now. i need to pay off my tuition so i can register for next semester but the money from the sell of the land hasn't come in yet so im swetting bullets. i need it by the third and im scared that its not going to be in in time. i had to drive back and forth from cruces to lordsberg (115m) and on my way back on friday i got pulled over by a state trooper. i lucked out and he gave me a writen warning for doing 91 in a 75. but he scared me because he unlocked mt passenger door while he was talking to me. ok so i know a few of you know whats going on right now but for those of you who don't....
in las cruces two hispanic men 30-45 are using red and blue lights mounted in their car grills to pull over young women who are driving alone. once they pull the women over they brandish a gun and rape the women. the city government and police have issued bulletins telling women to not stop for unmark cars with lights, and if they get pulled over by a marked officer they should turn on their hazzards and drive to a busy area where they feel safe.
9 times out of 10 im driving alone so im a little spooked but im also not gullible and so trusting. i just hope that other women take the time to pay attention to their surroundings. it helps more that you would think.
well im off to clean out my car. it looks a little too "lived" in. i don't want the road trip look.

i feel lost lately. i just want somone to run away with me.

"and he said i never want to go home.", "just as long as it us, thats all that matters, we're all that matters.", "i don't want to talk about whats back there", "we can never go home." - the get a way by pretty girls make graves

so i am giving serious consideration to not using lj anymore and just using www.greatestjournal.com instead. im sick of the new thing or posting scat photos in all of the tattoo communities. we all know im not a prude but lately i can't look at my friends list without having them pop up and i have to scramble to make sure abey doesn't see them. if i wanted to see shit i would look it up on my own time. i have made three reports to lj abuse and they say it is up to the comm. mod to ban the user and delete the post. what the fuck is lj abuse there for then. just to say "no one likes a tattle tail"? fuck this. if you want me to stay then say so otherwise i am moving on. love you guys.

im sitting in my english class waiting for it to begin and i keep thinking to myself that i have made a great desision in my life. im not totaly happy but im content wich is a huge start. the only problem right now besides money (but who isn't that a problem for?) is that i feel that colette is trying to screw me up because she "doesn't think school is all that great". she doesn't listen to me when i have told her a million times when my classes are and acts like im stupid for going. im sorry if i actualy want to do things with my life and not live my life bitter about my job/life. she keeps saying how unhappy she is about becoming so unsociable lately, yet she also thinks that all the friends she has hate her and just think she is a klinger on. i have tried getting her to go out and be with her frtiends yet she chooses to stay at home so i can't figure it out and im tired of trying to baby her. i know she has done so much for me but i can't do school, work (soon), and being parent to her and abey plus trying to have a life of my own. i don't know what to do and i am not giving up on school or myself this time around. it is my last chance and i can't blow it. ok my rant is done. love you guys.

im super stressed about money and school. after talking to a few people in money related offices at nmsu, i went and had a big girly crying fit in my car. i fought the urge to burn, but it got even harder to control today when i went back to nmsu and found out how truely fucked i am. this actualy made me go and throw up. i can't fucking breath. i can't sleep for too long at night. from the stress and nightmares. the nightmares being triggered by being on campus near the dorms, and by what took place in dec. fuck this life, truely and completely.

you give up, you're done. well how convenient that you can chose such things after you make me question everything about myself, yet again. after you give me a reason to start doing drugs and burning myself again. so i hope this running from who you are thing works out. im not running even though i have all the reason in the world to. be a man and face yourself. i have to face who i am every second for the rest of my life. we all do.
please call me when you are ready to stop running from this.
night.